Thursday, September 2, 2010

Curse of the tortilla chip!

It's our own fault.

The monster that is the tortilla chip, is of our own making.
For too many years, we've invited it into our homes for birthdays, holidays, get togethers or any sort of celebration. We did so, out of the goodness of our hearts. We wanted a fun party. We wanted people to not go hungry. To snack. To treat themselves in a fun and safe environment. Free from judgement. Free from worry. Free to have deep conversations, slightly louder than the music that so beautifully creates a joyous and playful atmosphere.

We were wrong.

My brother Bart and I were visiting our friend Doug on set the other day. It was late. And I was hungry. Too hungry, as it turns out. Crafty was meager, but it meant well. The guy in charge was doing his best. What he lacked in funding, he made up for in style. He had a few things. And one of those things, was chips and salsa. Ok, 2 things. Actually, it wasn't one giant chip, but lots of little chips. I'm still going to count it as one. Anyway, I started eating one and tried out the delicious Costco mango pineapple salsa. Maybe you've heard of it. Maybe even tried it. If you have, then perhaps you already have a story like this one. I hope not. But, wait, I don't want to get ahead of myself. Back to the story at hand. Anyway, it was an instant hit with my taste buds. I mean, they truly enjoyed it. So did the rest of my mouth. In fact, my whole body seemed to love the stuff. I was about to suggest that my stomach loved it as well, but I don't know. I mean, thats where it's all going. Maybe, in fact, my stomach is the only part that wasn't super stoked for it. Hmm. Perhaps my stomach is wise beyond it's years. Interesting. I'll need to thing about that some more. Anyway, I strted eating one chip after the next. That salsa was delicious. Then I started picking up speed and went for 2 at a time, you know, to get more salsa on there. I mean, that's what crafty is for right?! For the friends of people working! So there I was, shoveling chips into my mouth, trying to keep convection to a mimimun, as to allow more time for the chip eating, and right when I was distracted, by the fact that the salsa was running out, and this guy wasn't filling it up. I mean, he clearly saw that we were digging on his salsa, but I think he was ttying to be all stingy. So, while I was thus distracted, one of these "chips" goes down whole. I swalled that sucker down when it tried to lodge itself in my throat. No harm, no foul. Or so it would seem. A-hole chip.

I woke up the next day, with a bit of a sore throat. I couldn't believe my...ears..I guess.. upon imagining hearing my own thoughts about how I have ANOTHER sore throat. I had just barely gotten over an 8 day sore throat experience. That was brutal. And I have nothing in particular to blame for that one. Everthing is luck for that one. So, I thought I was about to suffer through another bout of sore throat, but hoping it was just a falre up. Then, the next day dropped, and I guess I started to scab up. I don't know if mouth/throat wounds scab or harden or whatever. Either way, it it like I had something lodged in my throat that I couldn't swallow, no matter how much or hard I swallowed. And I swallowed a LOT! It just got worse the next day. I spent all day spitting and trying to clear my throat, and counting down my attempts to swallow. I seriously had to count it out for myself. I felt like I was some kid in some coming of age kids story. Only, there was no girl that I was secretly in love with, and she never secretly kissed me because she could tell how cute I thought she was and she didn't feel sorry for me, or secretly have a crush on me but couldn't do anything about it because her boyfriend was the big jerk on the football team, or anything like that. There was a lot of stuff that was different about my experience. Actually, I guess it was nothing like a cute coming of age story. But, I AM m in my 30's, snd I'm definitely ready for my own coming of age story. How late do those things go anyway!?

So, finally my throat healed after about 5 days, and I didn't go mad, contrary to what I believed to surely be inevitable.

Anyway, chew. your chips. That's the lesson. Don't trust any chip to give you a pass on that. It's never going to be all "don't sweat it bro. I gotcha on this one..".

It ain't gonna happen.

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